


The Fellowship of the Bling

by ABeardedGentleman



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Multi, Thug Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:55:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24013963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABeardedGentleman/pseuds/ABeardedGentleman
Summary: “A real G neva late, Yolo Swaggins. Nor is he early. He pull up where the club at.”Thug Life rendition of Lord of the RingsAll Credit to J.R.R Tolkien and the Lord of the Rings UniverseSome scenes here and thereElegance and writing style is not a priority here - I have other serious works if you’re interested in better writing/plot.This is trash fiction, please don’t have high hopes for this.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 7





	1. Yolo and Gandawg

Yolo was smokin’ his blunt by the oak tree, the green leaves fallin’ on his white tunic as he rested on the grass. His Obey Baseball cap was pushed sideways, his gold chain resting on his chest. _This green got me high as fuck_ he thought he counted the clouds. After what seemed to be hours of contemplation about the cosmos and the hood rat he was chillin’ with the night before, his blissful moment stuck in eternity drastically came to an end- he could of sworn that he heard some one blasting B.I.G through the woods. His ears perked up. He knew that nobody blasted that shit in these parts. _Nobody but Gandawg_.

Yolo got off his high ass and bolted towards the road. He couldn’t tell whether he was that deep in the woods or whether the kush made everything take so long. One thing he knew, tho. He was getting closer. After what seemed to be an hour of running he found himself at the edge of the cobblestone road. In front of him stood a white horse pulling a carriage shaped like a gold Cadillac’.

In that cadillac was a 60 year old man with a sharp white beard, sides faded to a 2. He rocked a muffin top haircut, its edges krisp with a K. He was wearing a tattered brown robe that covered the tattoos etched over his body. The only jewelry was his Casio Watch- a relic of an ancient time. In his left hand, he was holding his most powerful weapon- a brown, tattered baseball bat. The word _Loco_ was etched along the shaft.

“Bruh, you late”

Yolo mumbled, arms crossed, eyes red.

The man stopped humming Juicy and turned towards the stoned hobbit, he grasped _Loco_ firmly

“A real G neva late, Yolo Swaggins. Nor is he early. He pull up where the club at.”

The man glared at Yolo, his eyes looking like they can cut some glass.

The two stared down at each other coldly, lips tight, arms crossed. If another hobbit happened to be strutting along looking for some kush, he coulda sworn that shit was aboutta go down.

After a high man’s hour, or two minutes normal time, smiles began to crack, followed by laughter.

“Bout some fucking time Gandawg!!”

Yolo screamed as he jumped in the Cadillac

They both roasted each other for a good minute before gettin’ serious

“You’d thought I’d be missing Dildo’s birthday?!” Gandawg exclaimed.

“Hell nah, I knew you’d come thru”

The two rode the Cadillac into the Shire, bumping to some B.I.G and popping off some fireworks along the way.

A couple cops thought they was gunshots and started chasin’ Gandawg and Yolo for a couple of blocks before they finally lost em, but other than that, shit was good.

They arrived at Drag End, an elegant stone castle that they say became the inspiration for Hugh Hefner’s playboy mansion. It was packed with half naked hobbits and Dj’s busting out the latest tracks. Outside was what seemed to be a pool party/darty going on, but inside resembled a Miami nightclub- G Eazy blaring so loud you coulda sworn that it was heard all the way to Mordor.


	2. Weathertop- Thug Life Rendition

"Yo G, whut about 2nd smoke sesh?"

Pipdiddy asked Araporn, who gave them a hell nah when the hobbit asked for kush. His eyes were red from that white widow strain they cheefed an hour earlier, his black thrasher hoodie was mad smelly. Yolo was too high to protest, his gold chain swinging in the wind.

Yolo, $amwi$e Damn G, Merry-a-cock Brandyfuck, and Pipdiddy been traveling in the swamps with Araporn for days trying to get to Rivenhell. Ever since Yolo had found the cock ring on Dildo's passed out ass, Gandawg convinced them hobbits that it had to be taken to Rivenhell to the elves. Yolo was originally concerned because he ain't ever traveled past the Shire, but Gandawg convinced him otherwise.

$amwi$e joined in because Gandawg saw him selling some shrooms outside Drag End and was pissed that $amwi$e put the two in danger. While $am complained about having to accompany Yolo, in reality he was relieved. For months he had been just trying to get away from Rosie, his baby mama. Rosie been seeing $am for 5 months and started asking him some stupid complicated questions like "what do you think about us?" or "where do you think the relationship is going?" $amwi$e didn't give a **fuck**. Only thing his mind was at, was the here and now. He ain’t got no time for games.

Gandawg told them he’d meet them at the Prancing Pony, a strip club in the town of Bree. He’d told them he’d be back with some shit to help them on their journey to Rivenhell, but he never made it to the Prancing Pony.

Only homie waitin' for them was Araporn, an ex bouncer who could really kick the shit out of people. Except for the Nas'Fools, the gang of 9 that chased their asses out of the club two nights ago. They were being hunted. Yolo coulda sworn it was because he slipped and knocked over a drink, but Araporn assured them it was because they were Sauron’s Ride or Die homies.

They been traveling for 3 days and 4 nights. Shit was tough getting through them swamps, Araporn needed to bounce for the night to look for his main chick Arwen, and he definitely wasn’t looking to bring anyone along. Especially $am. $am been low key **too excited** about seeing the elves- shit creeped Araporn out. Araporn lucked out though for he looked towards the distance and saw a ruined strip club perched on top of a hill. It was perfect for the hobbits to rest for the night.

"We shall rest here tonight" he announced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 ***** Yolo and the squad got high at the bonfire and Yolo passed out for an unspecified amount of time*

Yolo woke up to the sound of a rap battle between Merry and Pipdiddy, and $amwi$e beat boxing and hyping the crowd.

"WHAT IS YOU DOING?!" Yolo screamed at them as he rose from his cot, eyes still red.

"We having a rap battle, bruh" Merry explained in mid diss, his sunglasses hiding his shocked expression.

"You can throw some lines too if ya want" $amwi$e offered

"Stop you fools! Stop!" Yolo screamed, but it was too late. They heard the sound of Migos playing and saw the Nas’Fools make their way up the hill. Shit was about to go down. Yolo grabbed his baseball bat while Samwise grabbed his frying pan; Merry and Pipdiddy grabbed their mugging knives. They all scattered to the top of the hill. Four Nas’Fools circled them like shadows coming out of a corner. Fight Night by Migos grew louder and louder as they started to square up on the hobbits. Araporn was nowhere to be found.

Shit was going down.

As the Nas’Fools started to approach the 4, $amwi$e yelled “SQUARE UP, BITCH” As he lunged at the head gangsta. The Nas’Fool pimp slapped $am so hard he fell cold to the ground. The other Nas’Fools grabbed Merry and Pipdiddy and threw their high asses out of the way, paving the way to Yolo. The head Nas’Fool began to walk over to Yolo, with shank in hand- ready to pry the cockring off Yolo’s dead hands. Yolo felt fear rush over him, he had no idea what to do. So he did the one thing he never thought he should do- he put the cockring over his arm.

As he did though, the main Nas’Fool shanked him

“SHIT, GOD DAMN SON!” Yolo screamed as the shank went deeper in him.

Araporn jumped out of the shadows and ran quicker than a bro who just found out his side chick pregnant, and began to fight the Nas’Fools with a baseball bat in one hand, and a curled up job application in another. He swung left and right, fending off the Nas’Fools and chasing them away one by one. First one got the shaft as it flew down the hill, second one started to breakdance before Araporn drop kicked him unconscious. Third one ran up to Araporn but realized it was too high to fight. As the main one tried to shank Yolo one more time Araporn chucked the job application at it, setting the Nas’Fool on fire as he ran away screaming “SHIT BOI I AINT GOING BACK TO MCDEES”

Yolo was screaming as Araporn ran over to check the battle wounds. There was a stab wound on Yolo and shit got bad, blood pouring out of him like a river.

"SHIT WHERE WAS YOU?" Yolo screamed at Araporn

“My bad bruh... Just walk it off” Araporn suggested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprised you made it this far  
> If you want any scenes comment below.  
> Next one will probably be about Blingli and Swagolas
> 
> Need better names for Aragorn. If you have any name suggestions lmk


	3. Council Part 1

To recap on the journeys of our homeboys, them playas finally made their asses to Rivenhell. They ran into some bullshit like getting pulled over and doing some overnight time in prison for shrooms and shit (thanks, Pipdiddy) but luckily Araporn knew a few homies that bailed them out. After that went down they finally made it to Rivenhell, where they were finally called in by some stupid ass bitch with some pointy ears for a “council”. Yolo knew it was an AA meeting, he and his friends’ hobbit asses rolled in blacked out and passed out drunk on the front porch of Elrond, the head gangsta who runs this joint.

Later that morning, Yolo saw Ganddawg getting alley head and yelled

“Yo homie, where was you? Why weren’t you at the prancing pony?”

Ganddawg pimp slapped that ho off his sausage and let out a sore, sad smile as Yolo noticed a few scars on his face.

“I’m sorry, Yolo… I was delayed. I fucked my homeboy Sarumane’s bitch, Pokemane, and he locked me up in his DnD Dungeon.”

“A pimpship with Sarumane is not likely thrown aside” Ganddawg finished.

Don’t wanna bore you with some bullshit on how Dildo went crazy when he saw the cockring on Yolo and tried to snag that shit (Dildo SWORE it was the bathsalts talkin’) and how Elrond invited Yolo to a “meeting” (or whatever the f*** that’s supposed to mean). I definitely don’t wanna bore you on how Araporn and his main chick Arwen were busting it out in the bushes the night before this meeting before Araporn broke it off with Arwen, stating the usual “It’s not you, its me”

Arwen didn’t give him a magic necklace, but she did give him AIDS.

_Day of the meeting_

As Yolo approached the council meeting, he quickly realized that it wasn’t an AA meeting but something more urgent. 20 members stood around a large circle. A gang of elves sat in the far east corner, a gang of men in the far west. In the center stood a group of dwarves. Yolo whiffed a trail of kush in the air- this was a smoke sesh. Yolo relaxed and took a swig of his flask.

Shit got wild- homies smashed some white widow to Richard Mille Plain. Blingli, one of the dwarves, whipped out a gravity bong and ripped a hit as his gold chains rattled in the wind. Pipdiddy was breakdancing with Merry in the center as Araporn’s ass was passed out in the corner. One of the guys in the group, a pretty boy named Whoromir began to steal some of Araporn’s shit, mumbling “Bongdor needs no king”

As time passed and the homies began to regain their senses, Elrond finally walked back to his main chair, eyes red, and began.

“Alright homies. We know why you all here. We found the ring of the enemy. Yolo, bring out the ring.

Yolo walked over and placed the cock ring on the table. Everyone let out a gasp.

“Shit just got real!” cried Kevin Hart, one of the dwarves in the council.

Ya’ll have only one choice- The ring must be destroyed.

A sense of silence permeated the air, until Blingli stood up from his seat, eyes red as fuck, and whipped out his Uzi,

“Bet.”

He began firing at the cockring until the bullets rang dry. After a round of bullets, the cockring stood unharmed.

Bullets ran dry, but the ring remained.

Part 2 of the Council meeting to come….

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for suffering through this!  
> If you're feeling particularly masochistic, make sure to bookmark for future chapters!  
> If you want any specific scenes from the LOTR Trilogy "Reimagined" put it in the comments lol


End file.
